I’m Feeling 24 (and it kind of sucks)
Welcome to summer: the season of sun, adventure, and non-stop fun. It’s pretty much the best season according to teen films and summer pop hits. Days at the beach, BBQs with friends, and holidays where anything could happen . . . What else could one ask for? People walk with an extra pep in their steps and life seems full of possibilities!
So far, I have not been enjoying this sizzling time of the year.
Now, I know a wordy blog post where I’m rather negative may sound like social media suicide. I’m supposed to have engaging images/video with snappy commentary appealing to positive emotions. Right? Well, if that’s all you want then this blog probably isn’t the place for you. As I reflect more about how I want social media and blogging to fit in my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am first and foremost a writer/lover of the written word. And if I want to be more honest on my blog then doesn’t it make sense to use the medium that I’ve always felt more comfortable with even if fewer people find it appealing? But then again, I’m not trying to be liked by everyone. I’m just doing me.
But that doesn’t mean I won’t have any more photos and videos moving forward. Don’t worry about that my friends! Just expect some more Diary entries like these in the future, now, back to what I was saying . . .
For starters, my anxiety has been wreaking havoc all. week. I woke up Monday with practically no energy, and I’ve carried on in this zombie-like state with a brief reprieve on Thursday. At first, I thought I was getting sick or recovering from the past two hellish weeks of school, projects, work, and family events. But not even waking up to the clear blue sky could lift me from this gloom. The only thing that seems to help is going to work at Starbucks. Even though I despise the work more each day, being around people and feeling like I’m accomplishing something definitely helps. But that energy quickly fades once I get back home.
I know the millennial quarter-life crisis is becoming more widely discussed (an article even popped up on my Apple News yesterday). What do I want to do with my life? How do I find financial freedom and personal happiness? How can I do anything with so much student debt? HOW HOW HOW??? These are the questions apparently plaguing an entire generation, but that's not my major concern right now (although I still have all those thoughts). No, right now I’m more worried about an increasing sense of isolation and discontent with my surroundings.
See, I always struggled to make friends in the States. I could never escape my own feelings of inadequacy, judging everything I did or say and how I looked. Reversely, I’ve never struggled to “make friends” in London. It's always just happened. Effortlessly. Like breathing or walking. But trying to find a connection in the States has always required from me compromises in interests and attitudes which I don’t want to make any more. I've always had to be "on," to perform and be a character, and it's become too exhausting.
I know. I’m probably being stubborn, jaded, and ungrateful. I should just throw myself out there and “be more open.” But how do I embrace a community and its members when most of my life was spent separating myself and deepening the divide? Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. How do I form relationships that don’t just feel like temporary place markers?
I didn’t even celebrate my 24th birthday last month because I didn’t want to think about it! It was far too depressing. Yet another birthday spent away from the people and places I loved, turning 24 felt like a big fat reminder of how much I dislike my life. So I made May 10th like any other day and kind of forgot all about it.
I was, however, reminded of my age while on Pinterest the other day (my favourite social media platform these days). Did I think I was 23? No. 22. TWENTY-TWO PEOPLE. Within one second I was reminded of that fact that two birthdays have passed since I returned to Washington. And even worse, I don't have anything to really show for it. I mean, I know stuff has happened and accomplished some things, but I’m still left feeling completely dissatisfied with my life. I'm aware of how ungrateful and self-centered I sound right now, but I don’t know how else to process all of this. Maybe this is an aspect of the millennial quarter-life crisis, aggravated by the constant "go, go, go" American mindset.
Anyway, anyone want to buy me a ticket to London? It doesn't even need to be roundtrip at this point.