What's the Point?

 
Image Credit: Unknown

Image Credit: Unknown

 

Hi, friends. I know I’ve been super absent on social media, but that’s basically because I’m trying to figure out who I am. I’m spending a lot of time reflecting and questioning essentially everything I thought I knew about me—my views, values, needs,  you name it— because I found myself faced with the question “Who is Lia?” and I honestly don’t know. (Thanks, Jimmy)

No longer grasping onto the two things that had essentially defined me for the past 8 years (London and acting), I quickly latched onto the identity of a “blogger” instead of just giving myself a damn second to think. Soon, I became obsessed with growing my online presence, especially on Instagram. My days became a never-ending rerun: wake up, check my likes, and see how many followers I’d gained and lost. Whenever I had a break, it was straight to Instagram. Any free second, I compulsively opened the app. Every night (laying in bed), I’d scroll past photo after photo, double-tap, double-tap. I didn’t even question it.

“Isn’t this what everyone else is doing? Isn’t this what I’m supposed to be doing to grow my account?”

It’s embarrassing to admit, but my number of Instagram likes and followers became my happiness. If a photo didn’t receive the positive response I was expecting, my mind would start spiraling into panic mode. I’d ask myself, “What did I do wrong?” and I’d start tearing apart the image in my head, berating myself for things like too much warmthor saturation in the editing or how my body was angled in a funny way. I’m constantly comparing my photos to people with thousands of followers, and nothing is ever good enough. How can I stand out? How can I even compete?

All I was doing was feeding my ego and not my soul, filling my days with distractions, and over compensating for my unhappiness and discontent. I didn't feel inspired to share anything, but I felt like I had to continue posting on social media in order to grow my popularity. In a way, I felt trapped--dependent on people noticing me online because I felt like I was disappearing in my own life. 

What I’m trying to say is that I’m sick of it all. I'm sick of hearing people talk about their lives every day. It's one thing to take the time to photograph/write/edit a blog post, photo or videos. What I can't stand anymore are InstaStories from bloggers in their cars talking at their phones. "Just got done with this meeting with so and so about this project I can't tell you about. Ah! Can't wait to share!" Basically, giving a detail about their day which has no impact on me. It doesn't add value to my life, and I don't want to contribute to this mindless consumption of distractions. I don't want people to be envious of me. I want people to appreciate the life they have and the people who are in it. I want to inspire others to seek out experiences which light up their soul and spreads infectious joy. 

Slowing down and paying attention to my own thoughts, I’ve realized that all of the insecurities and confusion from my adolescence still haunt me, but only when I’m in the U.S. I don’t know how to change that, and I wish more than anything that I could. I'm constantly walking under the cloud of “I’m not _____ enough,” and every time I think about a new career direction, I start to think, “What’s the point?" I hope that being back in London for a bit will help center me because I'm a  hot mess right now.

I guess the main takeaway from this is that I’m still alive, but I’m focusing on myself without the noise and crippling stress of social media. I don’t want to feel an obligation to blog or produce content for entertainment or external validation. I want to post what I want whenever I want, and I also want to enjoy my life instead of experiencing it online. 

So here’s to starting each day with an intention and minimizing superficial distractions to focus on the activities/people/things which bring value to my life. 

Image Credit: Unknown

Image Credit: Unknown